Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
