I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Randomize