cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
