Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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