If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
