Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
