I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
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