Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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