hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
