Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
