You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
