Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
