I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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