She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
