whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
