You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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