I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
You're earring is so big in my mouth
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
