I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I forget how to act sober
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
