If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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