i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
