I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
