If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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