Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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