She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
