He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Randomize
