I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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