Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
