I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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