a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i would punch a child for taco bell
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
