my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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