Who did Billy Mays play for?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
