dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
you never un-have a 4some
and you fell through a lawn chair
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
