He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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