Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Randomize
