Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Randomize
