theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
