When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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