No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Randomize
