Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
