Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
