Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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