the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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