Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
