she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
