So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
