Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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