found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
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