My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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