You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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