I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
