the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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