but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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