She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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