Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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