just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
