i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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