I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
