we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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