My hand turned me down
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
