highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
lol hangovers are for mortals.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
